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Showing 1 to 9 of 9

AuthorMessage

Ninja Monkey

Ninja Monkey

1

Posts: 204

I cannot run away,

From that i can remember,

Back on that night in december,

You stricken me, with all you got,

But I guess now you've forgot,

What you really did to me,

I cannot be free,

Because of this misery.

I live my life on the streets,

Having to sleep on these dirty sheets,

Strangers pass by without a care,

Without no money I go into despair,

Cause yet again I remember,

back on that night in december,

He stricken me and threw me out,

I guess I was just some kick about,

This led me to where I am today,

As the days just blink away,

Maybe now I just want this to end,

This aint a life you want to recommend.

AuthorMessage

Hunter

Hunter

10

Posts: 21499

Very good. Structure is good. The language almost made me think it was a bit "olde", not sure if that's what you were aiming for.

"Is that the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard will sort it out. It's 'cause of the wonderful things he does."
The Law of Grabbity - I sees it, I grabs it

AuthorMessage

Ninja Monkey

Ninja Monkey

1

Posts: 204

What does "olde" mean haha? Thanks Hunter yeah the structure isn't bad considering I made it up on the spot.

AuthorMessage

Diego

Diego

4

Posts: 2436

it means old

arrrr, ye be speakin' t' cap'n Diego
ye landlubber be likin' ye olde cookies?
keelhaul that filthy landlubber, send him down to the depths below! make the b*@"*/~ walk the plank, with a bottle of rum and a yo-ho-ho!
savvy?

AuthorMessage

Hunter

Hunter

10

Posts: 21499

as in ye olde. Think Oliver, Dickins...

Modified once, last modified by Hunter on Thu 29th July, 2010 @ 6:38pm

"Is that the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard will sort it out. It's 'cause of the wonderful things he does."
The Law of Grabbity - I sees it, I grabs it

AuthorMessage

Diego

Diego

4

Posts: 2436

or just think me on a good day

arrrr, ye be speakin' t' cap'n Diego
ye landlubber be likin' ye olde cookies?
keelhaul that filthy landlubber, send him down to the depths below! make the b*@"*/~ walk the plank, with a bottle of rum and a yo-ho-ho!
savvy?

AuthorMessage

Ninja Monkey

Ninja Monkey

1

Posts: 204

From what you said before, not really was it intended for it to be "olde" but least then I guess it's something different to what I normally do.

AuthorMessage

Hunter

Hunter

10

Posts: 21499

It might even be the use of stricken that does that you know

"Is that the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard will sort it out. It's 'cause of the wonderful things he does."
The Law of Grabbity - I sees it, I grabs it

AuthorMessage

Ninja Monkey

Ninja Monkey

1

Posts: 204

haha oh right I see, as well now i'm just going through a rhyming phase.As well what do you think the poem is about? Also you won't see me for 2 weeks... holiday :D

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